Its been a while since I’ve been here (hoovering has been keeping me busy!) there’s lots to write about (stuff happens in 6 months) but there’s one theme which I keep coming back to.
Cancer took my Mum. When I lost my Mum I lost everything that I anticipated I would. Her touch, her guidance, her energy, her presence. I have struggled with the fact I carry on each day and that somehow I’ve not managed to completely fall apart as expected (you know this already). However my new struggle is where I fit in life after the loss of my Mum. What shape my life is meant to take and whether I’m making the right choices.
When Mum was diagnosed again, her struggle became a huge part of my identity, it was very much our battle together; going to oncologist appointments, going to chemo, calling hospitals and the hospice community team, but mainly spending time together as we both understood the enormity of what was going to happen. I moved home, got a new job and she became my purpose. We muddled through like this for three years (yes the rest of the family were there too, but its a time that we spent closer than ever). So when I lost my Mum, and the loss became my reality, I lost my purpose.
- Why do I live in this town where none of my friends are?
- My mid 20s were spent in waiting rooms and shadowing Mum …what do I have to show for it?
- Do I go and ‘live life’ or stick to the comfort and stability that have kept me safe?
Those years were dedicated to my Mum. Now, I know I was lucky to have her those extra years, and I know some people lose their Mothers a lot younger than me. I also know that I wouldn’t have done it any differently, that I can look back on those years feeling closer to Mum than I ever have; knowing I spent any time I could with her and that it was precious.
However, here I am, without her. In those years, people have bought houses, got engaged, travelled and started their own families. I stood still; I didn’t get on the ‘train of life’, I’m still very much left at the station, trying to muddle my way through my late 20s wondering where I go from here. What my next steps are and whether they’re the right ones. Mum, you see, was always right. So without her to shadow, I’m very much just lost.
A post which I feel is pretty self absorbed, melancholy and doesn’t touch on the enormity of my loss, but does give you a small insight into the reality of ‘life after loss’ and maybe someone else out there is feeling ‘lost after loss’ too.
coley06 